Oh Baby!

Well it's been quite some time since I've regularly posted, but I just haven't felt so motivated to do so these past few months. And I do keep up with my Instagram page (@kata_razzi) almost daily so most people do know what's going on in my life anyway. On July 26th my fiance and I found out that we're expecting! So that's some major news to share, but its also the reason I feel compelled to write a new blog post. A part of me wants to document my pregnancy journey so that one day down the line I can look back at my experience and remember what this journey was like.
When I first found out I was in complete shock, because we hadn't planned for this surprise just yet! We were hoping to try a little later in the year, but God has other plans for us instead apparently! I was so shocked that I took 4 pregnancy tests! And once the shock wore off I was so excited to share the news with our families. It was even more special for me because the day I got to tell my parents. and my siblings it was also my late Nana's birthday. I took it as a sign that she was with me along with my grandfather, and that they'd be with me throughout this whole journey to guide me on the right path. I miss them so much, and every time I feel as though I'm at a crossroad in my life, I do feel like they are constantly with me. So it felt really special to me that I was able to gift my family the news of our pregnancy on her birthday.

Soon after the excitement wore off, panic had set in for me. There are so many things we have to plan and figure out now, that it overwhelmed me. I also had to deal with the emotions that my body is going to change during these next few months and that's been something that has been really hard to this day to accept. After working so hard all these years to keep weight off, it's been really hard to face the reality that I will be gaining weight again. Of course I know that the reasons for the gaining are worth it because I'm lucky to be able to give life to our baby, but at the same time I can't help but feel so depressed and almost like a failure because I feel like after the baby is here I'll have to start from square one all over again. Right now without a child I have so much freedom to get all my workouts in and train for whatever race I want to do, but I know that once the baby is here, all my free time is gone too. So it will be so different to figure out how to lose the weight again and be successful with a newborn. And I know I'm not the first mom to have to deal with this either but it's just been hard to accept. 

Right now I'm just about 17 weeks pregnant, and so far have only gained 7.5lbs , which isn't terrible, but I have been watching my weight like a hawk. My goal is to gain 20lbs total give or take. So I have still been working out and I am training for a marathon. The training hasn't been easy at all, its actually been harder because during my first trimester, I just felt exhausted every single day. I was lucky enough not to deal with any morning sickness, but the beginning of my marathon training took place at the end of the summer, which this year for NYC was just a hot sweaty humid mess! So getting out the door was hard, but I kept up with my spin classes on a weekly basis. Just the last two weeks or so I've felt like my energy is finally back up, so my training has improved, but still not easy. I get out of breath so easily now, so whatever workout I'm doing feels a little more strenuous than it used to.
My running pace has slowed down significantly too because I lose my breath and I feel exhausted quicker than I used to feel. I've run 6 half marathons since finding out I was expecting, and almost at every one of them I've broke down in tears during the race. Because I feel like a failure, because I feel like I should be stronger and able to handle the mileage better, and because I can't accept that I am now a back of the pack runner. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with being at the back of the pack, I respect all the runners that are on their feet longer than anyone else! But for me I'm used to finishing with my usual race times. but thankfully my sister has been at every race with me to snap me out of my feelings of doubt. She tells me your pregnant and its okay to be slower, and I should be proud that I'm even pushing myself this hard when some don't even try to.

So tomorrow I will take on a 20 mile run, and when I finish I know I will be ready for the Philly marathon on November 20th, And don't get me wrong, I get nervous for every run now, because I just don't know how my body will do, but I know I'm gonna push myself as hard as I can to finish. And I'm not running for myself anymore either, I have to think about the baby growing inside of me, and make sure I do whats right for the baby. And I know I don't have to run this marathon, but I'm not a quitter. And when my baby is here and years from now hears the story of my pregnancy I just want my child to be proud of their Mom. I just want my kid to know that I didn't give up when it got hard, that I didn't make excuses and settle for less, and that whatever obstacle comes at you in life, you face it, stare at it straight in the eye, and do what it takes to overcome it and succeed.
Marathons are life changing and this one will be no different! It will also be my last for quite awhile, because after it's over I want to focus on being in shape to give birth, and to get ready to bounce back after the baby is born. I will retire my running sneakers from long distances for awhile, and focus on running races that are shorter distances like 10ks or less. I also love spin classes, so it's my goal to get a spin bike at home before the baby is born too, so I'll have no excuses at home to not workout. And I want to get stronger with other workouts that I don't normally get to do because I've been running for so long. I want to be a healthy, strong, and happy Mom, that's it really. I want to be a role model for my family, and I want them to learn and guide them toward a happy healthy life too. So I'll just keep trying my best and putting my best foot forward to get through whatever else life brings our way! Stay tuned!