I'm still here!

I'm here! Haven't disappeared yet! The last few weeks were pretty hectic, I went away on vacation to the fabulous Las Vegas! I had the time of my life, and enjoyed every minute, but now that I'm back home it's back to work!! Monday is the start of marathon training, so I'll be spending this weekend filling out my calendar with my training days! I am nervous for this training to get underway because my plantar fasciitis is really not pretty this year, It gets so sore much easily now, so I will be incorporating cross training if I feel like I need to scale back my mileage. But I am excited to embark on this journey again, I know it won't be the same as my first one, but I'd like to see how it changes me and how I learned from last years training.
I'm also excited to be running tomorrow morning! I'll be participating in the NYRR LGBT Pride Run in the morning in Central Park, and it should be a beautiful day! This morning the Supreme Court ruled  that all marriages be recognized in all states, giving everyone marriage equality! This is so historic and today I'm proud to be American, and tomorrow I can't wait to show my support. Love is love, and Love wins today!

The Food Transformation

Sometimes I feel like my world revolves around food and my next meal. Ever since joining WW it's changed the way I think about and eat food. It has taught me how to pick the good, and skip the bad, even though they stress you can have anything, they do teach how to make better choices.

During my pre WW days, food was my bestie. If I was feeling sad and depressed (which was almost always) I would buy myself a meal and make it the best part of my day. I would justify the stress and emotions I was feeling, make the food my happy place. And it didn't even really make me happy, I just ate the food because it was what I had made myself accustomed to.

Those days I used to work at Shea Stadium, I was part of the concessions management team at the ballpark, and had access to all the food I wanted there. When I worked there I had done WW once and lost 54lbs, and then fell in love and gained it all back and much more. So I knew about portion sizes, and I had the belief that because I had been somewhat successful and my job required me to be on my feet all day, walking back and forth, that I had this in the bag, no more meetings for me! I remember eating countless hot dogs, cheeseburgers, and chicken tenders on a daily basis, and then of course I'd have fries, but I'd top them with cheese from the nacho stand, and maybe add a pretzel in there too! I never drank water either, I'd have a bottle or two a day, but you'd always find me with a Snapple  in hand in some sweet sugary flavor! I knew they were no good but I'd justify the fact that I was walking all over the stadium for more than 8 hours a day as my exercise, and in turn food was my reward!

What was worse, was after my shift was over, I'd head to the bar with my coworkers and we'd get more than enough drinks to make us feel nice for the night, that on my way home I'd need more food. You know, to "absorb the alcohol", so that way I wouldn't be so drunk or hungover! FYI kids, you wake up feeling worse, and always vow you'll never drink or eat like that again, but there was always a next time for me.

I can remember getting off the train at my stop near my apartment, and I already knew what I was going to order to eat at home, cash in hand, ready to stuff my face. There's a Popeye's right outside the train station, and it became my food mecca. I was there almost every night, and I would order the same thing each time. I'd order 4 pieces of chicken, with fries, a biscuit, a large Hi-C fruit punch, and a slice of Mardi Gras cheesecake. But that wasn't all I got, I needed a snack after my meal, so I'd go to the deli right next door with my change, and get myself a 99 cents Arizona iced tea, a bag of nacho cheese Doritios ( the $1 size), and 4 bags of hot cheese popcorn (25 cent bags). Then I would go home to my bedroom in the attic, and devour everything in minutes! Once I was finished I'd hide all the evidence, stuff it deep into the trash at home so no one would notice or I'd keep it in my purse till I could throw it away outside.

And then one day I woke up and realized that I was probably 300lbs. I had always known I was overweight, but I didn't care enough at the time to change my habits, but I had always told myself, even as a teenager, "I will never go over 300lbs, when I do that will be the day I have to change."  Once I realized that I was finally at that limit, it scared me. I actually never thought I'd get that big, I thought I had the control, but I really didn't, I let the food control me. Now I was really scared, because what if I couldn't lose the weight on my own, what if I needed a greater intervention, like surgery, or would I end up so bad that I'd need to try out for a reality weight loss show?, or worse what if I couldn't do it, and I'd end up a victim to my home and my fridge?  300 is a big number, and on the scale, its a number that feels impossible to diminish, one week at a time.

When I finally decided to join WW again, I was more determined than ever to get my weight down and not rely on food as a means of support. I paid attention to the nutrition labels, I stopped fast food all together, and I became aware of the types of foods that were beneficial to my health, and let go of the foods that held me back for so long. I learned to love vegetables and fruit, I drank only water, nothing else, and I let go of my constant need for snacking. I also learned that I didn't need to reward myself with food, I started rewarding myself, with clothes, accessories, and new fitness gear. Eventually I was able to let go of many bad habits, and I no longer felt a need for the food that became my friend for so long.

Today I'm still not perfect, but I am so much more aware of what I eat. I passed by a McDonald's this weekend, and realized I haven't had a McDonald's burger in years! As for Popeye's, I haven't gone in there either in a few years, I love the food, but I know I don't need it anymore. When I go food shopping, I only buy food for my main meals, and no snacks at all, just plain popcorn kernels or sugar free ice cream pops. I don't fry any food anymore, all my food is cooked with spray oil, or baked in the oven. I bring my lunch to work every day, and it consists of a protein, veggies, a small carb, and fruit. I make breakfast every morning, and I make dinner every night. I fell in love with running, and it has increased my appetite greatly, and I still struggle with my hunger after a run, but I'm getting better at making good food choices post run. I don't need food to have a good time anymore, I can pass up just about anything and not feel bad about it anymore.

I don't think my relationship with food will ever be perfect, but I'm glad its not my source of comfort anymore. I used to live to eat, but now I do my best to eat to live. As I grow older I hope I continue to live that way, and spread the knowledge to my future family, because living a healthy life is so much more plentiful then living a life full of junk!

Hello June!

It's a new month and summer is almost upon us!! This is an exciting June for me, with 3 races planned, a Vegas vacation, and the start of marathon training, I'm going to be a busy lady!! I've already been swamped these past few weeks, my boss was away and I felt the pressure of the extra work getting to me, I've missed a bunch of workouts lately, and it's disappointing. Life is just hectic, my in laws are in town also, so being with family also takes up my time, and then prepping for our vacation too has kept me busy as well! 

But my boss is finally back and I'm ready to focus! I plan on taking a few spin classes next week, one with my sister too, and I have the Oakley 10k next Saturday, so it should be a great week to work on some goals! Vacation will be hard but we'll be walking a lot and I hope I can make healthy food choices most of the time! 

I'm also excited to jump back into marathon training, I've actually missed the discipline I had last year and  hoping to achieve the same thing again. I'll be starting on June 29th with the Hal Higdon Novice 1 training plan, it's the same one I used last year, and I hope to keep spinning this training session, because that helps my running a ton! Let's just hope there are few heat waves this summer! Last summer was wonderful, so I'm frightened to find out what this summer will be like since we've already dealt with a terrible winter!! 

Anyways that's all for now, I'm on the train on my way to work, and my stop is approaching, but hope the next week is awesome!! Xoxo

What's going on?

Life has been so hectic the last couple of weeks!! My boss is currently on vacation, she'll be away for about 3 weeks, so in her absence I have to fill her role at work. So that means I've been pretty much swamped at work all day doing both of our jobs, and by the time I leave I'm so frazzled and stressed I don't have the energy for anything else! I've wanted to write a few other blogs but my brain is so exhausted from staring at my computer all day that I've hardly been on my phone and I've neglected my laptop! After work I'm  busy at my job at home! Ya know, cooking, cleaning, working out, and taking care of my dog and fiancé! I think once my boss is back life will be a little easier and I'll be able to get more posts in! 

In the meantime I'm also getting excited because I will be traveling to Las Vegas in a few weeks for 5 days! My fiancé and I will be scouting possible wedding locations and enjoying some quality time together! My man has been working his butt off with two jobs and no days off in months! I admire him so much for being able to stick it out, but he's been doing it so we have the funds to enjoy ourselves out there and I can't wait! Just leave me at the pool with a drink and I'll be good!!

I did the Stephen Siller WTC stair climb on May 17th, and it was pretty tough for me considering that I ran the Brooklyn Half the day before! The stairwells were so hot, with no ventilation, but hearing the stories from other climbers directly affected by 9/11 was very inspiring that I would love to do it again next year! Just not the day after a half next time!! 

I also participated in the Color Run 5k at Citifield on Saturday! I was chosen as an ambassador a few months back, and had a few of my cousins join me on the run! I didn't think I'd have as much fun as I did, but it was a blast! My favorite part was running the field inside the stadium since I am a huge Mets fan! It was so cool, I was like a kid on Christmas, smiling from ear to ear the whole time! 

Honestly though the spots where we were supposed to get colored along the run hardly did any damage! When we got to the finish I was pretty clean, I was disappointed until we got to the post race festival, that's where we got covered in color and sparkle! The music was great, and it was a pretty sweet way to start the weekend! 

I get a little breather for a couple of weeks from racing! My next race isn't til June 13th for the women's Oakley 10k in Central Park, which I'm excited for because my girls on the running team will be coordinating outfits for the day! I also have two other races later in June which will set me up nicely right before marathon training begins again! 

Till then just running short miles and focusing on some strength training! I love running but a small break is healthy for recovery! Trying my best to keep up with the blogging, hope you guys are enjoying it so far!! Til next time, xoxo! 

Brooklyn Half 2015

It's been a few days since the Brooklyn half, and I still have my runner's high! It was such a fun day to spend with my team!

The fun started Thursday when I went to the Brooklyn Half pre-party to pick up my race bib! I got to see my friends volunteering and ran into a few friends also getting bibs that day! Seeing them always makes the next few days before the race exciting! I went with my fiancé and we enjoyed a couple of beers, some tacos from the food trucks, and of course the beautiful view of the city from the Brooklyn Bridge!

Race day comes so quick for Brooklyn, since it's on a Saturday morning! On Friday I had gone to get my bib for the stair climb, and then had tickets to the Mets game at night, so there was hardly any rest for me leading to race day! I was pretty nervous too actually, because I knew I'd be pacing Amy, and I didn't want to fail her!

Before I knew it, it was 3:45am and I was awake and getting ready to head to Brooklyn! It's a long commute and I did not want to take my chances, so I made sure to head there early enough to give myself time to find Amy, use the porta potty, and take pictures of course! :) 

My stomach was giving me issues since I had woke up but I just told myself it was just pre race jitters! The weather was ok at the start, it was cloudy with a chance of rain but the air felt good with a promising run ahead of us! 

There were 5 of us running together at the start! Amy, Cari, Helena, Melissa, and I all started out strong with the crowd! We had planned on running with Heather but with 26,000 runners we never caught up to her, but she had had a great run with her husband! It was super crowded at the beginning but we had a good pace going and we were all smiles! Along the way Melissa paced ahead of us, and then it was us 4 til the end! We were running ahead of pace I was feeling great about it, and then....it rained! It started off slow, but then the sky opened up and it was a crazy downpour!! I love running in the rain when I am prepared to do so, but on Saturday I was in a tank and capris, with no hat to keep the water out of my face, and at times I felt like I was drowning lol! I mean really trying to run, and breathe, and see in crazy rain is hard to do! It slowed us down a bit, but we were still having a blast, and by the time we exited Prospect Park it was finally over!

I was so ready for Ocean Parkway, because it's flat and downhill to Coney Island!! It was so much fun, we were laughing, taking pictures, and our pace was ok till about 10 miles in, then exhaustion started to hit us but we were still all up beat and having a great run! Along the way we made friends with Team RWB, they were so bad ass, doing push ups, burpees, or mountain climbers at every mile marker! I was feeling super proud of my girl Amy because she just kept pushing along with us, and I never heard a complaint from her, she was so awesome! Cari and I kept ahead of Helena and Amy, so they could chase us down, and keep up the pace and it was working! Cari and I had a ton of girl talk along the way, and it was even fun for a few minutes when one of the fellas from Team RWB got a little flirty with me! I was flattered and he was sweet and harmless and gave all of us a good laugh!

Before we knew it we were at mile 12!! I could smell the beach! I love that smell so much, you have no idea! At that point we knew we missed our goal of under 3 hours, but with the rain, came the heat & humidity, and really we still did a pretty amazing job! Our next goal was to beat Amy's PR, and we were so close! That last mile I just kept pushing and I was annoying with my "let's go!"'s and " we got this!" I also almost made Amy cry when I mentioned her BFF sole sista Michelle! She was waiting for us handing out medals at the finish! The last mile was a breeze I was so happy to see our friends cheering on the sidelines, and next thing you know we were passing the infamous Cyclone roller coaster, and feet from the finish!

The beach was there, and all of us were cheering Amy on! When we crossed the finish I was so proud of her I wanted to cry! And then she saw Michelle and they hugged and cried for all of us! While we missed Amy's PR by a few seconds, she did PR the course! We also hope to beat her goal in October at the RnR Brooklyn Half! After the run we went for some grub, and feasted on beer and sliders!

The best part of this years Brooklyn Half was that I was able to run with my friends! It was so much fun, I love when I run with them, it made those 13 miles feel like we breezed right through them! I don't know if I'll do this race again next year, but I'm definetly looking forward to more runs with my running family! 

Race Week!

It's race week! I'm actually nervous too, it's a double header weekend for me! The Brooklyn Half will be first up on Saturday morning, and then on Sunday morning the Tunnels 2 Towers Stair Climb!! My legs will be dead by Sunday afternoon!

It will be my 13th half marathon Saturday! And yes I still get nervous before each one! I always know I can finish, but I always get nervous of what could go wrong along the way. My main fear is usually my plantar fasciitis  pain, in the past I could run through it, but after marathon training, the pain has gotten more intense. I do my best to stretch, ice, and roll it, but some runs are totally fine, and then there are others where it rears its ugly  head, and leaves me feeling weak and challenged. As of late its been ok, I did run 11 miles two weeks ago, and managed to survive so I'm hopeful it will be ok in Brooklyn! I'm also pacing with my friends for this half, with the goal of finishing in under 3 hours, so that Amy (@theawesomemom on IG) will get her PR. Finishing in under 3 is easy for me, but I'm nervous because I hope and pray I can help Amy get that PR, I don't want to let her down, so I hope everything is on our side race morning, and that we can push to the finish she deserves!

Now the stair climb Sunday isn't my first, but it will be the most steps I've taken on, and the first time I'll be doing an event like this the day after a half marathon! I honestly did not realize that both events were in the same weekend til after I was registered! So I know usually how sore my body is the day after a half, and that stairs are the most difficult to maneuver the days after! 1,970 steps and 90 floors is definitely going to be a challenge come Sunday morning! But all I'm telling myself is that the finish time doesn't matter its the finish line that's the main goal and priority! Plus I raised money for the Stephen Siller Tunnel to Towers Foundation, which will use the funds towards improved homes for disabled vets and first responder families, so when my legs feel like giving up, I have to tell myself that I can do it!

I always try to prep right before race week, with tapering, and carb loading, but as usual that never happens! This week is so jammed packed for me I'll be lucky if I get enough sleep by Saturday night! So with 3 days away, my goals are to carb up at dinner today and tomorrow, get as much water in as I can, and sleep when I can!!

Tomorrow I will be heading to the Brooklyn Half pre party, by New Balance, so I will try to post before Saturday about it! I hope I get to see my running family, and take some fun pictures by the Brooklyn Bridge! I was supposed to volunteer too tomorrow at the pre party, but unexpectedly some work stuff came up so I can't do it, maybe next year! And on Friday I'll be getting my bib for the stair climb too! Lots of exciting stuff this weekend, so look out for some posts early next week about them!! Til then..xoxo!!

On this day in history...

Recently Facebook added a feature to their site where users can see their post from years ago on the current day. I do like the feature because I'm given the memories I've shared with family and friends with my old posts and pictures, I can see how my life has changed along the way. But there's one thing too that it does...It reminds me of the painful past I've come from. I only started using Facebook religiously 6 years ago. And 6 years ago, my life was at a turning point.

On this day 6 years ago, I was experiencing the most painful break up with my first love. He and I had one roller coaster of a relationship, we had been together for 4 years, and experienced our fair share of highs and lows. We had so many good memories together, but at the end of our relationship, we both lost something, and made really bad decisions, hurt each other terribly, and really just fell apart. Sometimes I think back, and can pinpoint the second it all fell apart. In 2008, my ex witnessed one of his best friends commit suicide. They say suicide affects more than just the person who committed the act, and boy was it true. I didn't know his friend too well, but boy oh boy did it change my life forever. From that moment on, there was this anger, hurt, and pain in him, that I guess he didn't know how to handle. He took it out at the bar every single night, and then me when his drunken stupor took over. And then when the bar wasn't enough, drugs took over, then drunk motorcycle rides, then the verbal, mental, and physical abuse came. 

I was so lost in his love, and trying to figure out how to fix everything, that I just let him do whatever he needed to cope. I still remember the nights I was filled with pure terror. Not knowing if I would make it to see the next morning, I too would go to bed every night drunk, because I didn't feel the pain. That was also around the time my weight ballooned to just under 300lbs. I really didn't love myself because I put all my love into him and our relationship. I took each blow to the head, the painful hits, his hurtful words, in stride, and prayed to myself that it would get better one day. But in the process I lost friends who saw the bad changes in me, and I lost the trust of my family who couldn't believe that I let a guy control every waking moment of my day. 

And then in January of 2009, he left. He joined the military, and when he left, we were both a mess, but we needed to be away from each other, because together we were a cocktail of destruction. While he was away I found the strength to start cleaning up my life, and began my weight loss journey. But when I first started it was for him, because I had these high hopes that while he was out improving his life, and I started to make mine better, that he would come home and we would both see that we could be better together. He wrote me letters from boot camp, that would make my days bright and cheerful, he sent me pictures, and he even called me on Sundays whenever they allowed him to. I was so hopeful that things were going to look up for us.

But then on this day 6 years ago, he came home from boot camp, and I had taken the week off, because we had made plans to see each other and catch up of course. I remember the day vividly, because I called him the second I knew his plane had landed, it was also the first time in months his cell phone actually rang, I was so excited to hear his voice knowing he wasn't thousands of miles away anymore. When he answered, my world fell apart in seconds. He said, "Leave me alone, don't ever call me again, I never want to see you again." And like that my world flipped upside down. I was so confused because for the past few months our conversations never hinted that he would do this. To say I was heartbroken is an understatement. The fact that I was also on vacation was worse, because I had a whole week to myself to dwell on all my emotions. I was so depressed, I didn't want to see the light of day. I cried from the moment I woke up, until I fell asleep. I hardly got out of bed, and if I did it was by the forceful tone of my mother telling me to get over it. I became a hermit, I didn't wake up til the middle of the day, and I worked out for hours to occupy my mind, so that I would be exhausted an pass out at night. The most vivid memory of them all is that I didn't eat a thing that entire week, When I tried, I spit it right back up, and I had no appetite, what so ever. I was already on Weight Watchers for awhile, and I remember the following week when I had gone to my meeting that I had lost 8lbs that one week. And the funny part is that I never gained a single one of those 8lbs back ever! So metaphorically I think of the 8lbs as the dead weight of that relationship that weighed down on my life so negatively. It weighed down on my heart and soul, and took such a long time to recover from it. 

That relationship is the reason I started my weight loss journey, but its also the reason I learned to love myself. After that devastating week of my life, I found my fire, my strength to move on and explore all the opportunities the world offered. And the first thing that helped me get through it was running. I would run through the woods, and cry it out, and feel amazing afterwards. Running at that time was therapy, but it also made me so much more stronger to stand on my own. 

So when I look back on this day and history, and I think of that painful past, I'm reminded that I made it! I'm not the person I was 6 years ago, I'm a newer, stronger, confident version of myself. And I learned to love myself and all the things I'm capable of. While it was a hard experience to live through, I wouldn't change it for the world, I'm so much better because of it! 

xoxo